Spiritual abuse and codependence, part 5: Tantrum

I sat down to my email one morning and saw there were four messages from Sage with titles about a recent communication. I opened the oldest first, expecting the usual warm bath of flattery, comfort, and promises of great things to come. In seconds, I was in shock. A sentence I had written had offended Sage, who took it to mean something I had never intended it to mean and then explained that the meaning Sage had assigned to it was the only possible meaning. The email went on for several hundred words after that. My sentence was a heinous violation of Sage’s love and generosity. This was what was wrong with what I had said, this was what I had meant, this was what I needed to do to apologize and restore our relationship. The email had been sent early the previous evening.

Feeling sick, guilty, and weirdly dissociated, I opened the second message, noticing that it was longer. Sage had been meditating on my offending sentence. It was clear to Sage that I was not in a good relationship with the Source. In fact, my extraordinary insensitivity, hunger for power, and lack of respect for Sage, as shown in the offending sentence, was calling my standing in the new organization into question. I was trying to patronize Sage, put Sage down, and take over Sage’s life work. Sage was an innocent victim of my aggression. Sage had no choice but to demote me to the lowest level of membership. The email had been sent later the previous evening.

I opened the third and longest email, trembling. Sage had realized that my behavior was exactly similar to that of everyone who had ever done anything Sage didn’t like. I was abusive and destructive. In fact, my behavior was clearly meant to thwart Sage’s mission from the Source and I was in the grip of evil. The question of any future connection between us was in serious doubt. The email had been sent shortly after midnight.

Numb, I opened the fourth email. Sage had meditated on my abusive behavior, slept peacefully due to a clear conscience, and wanted me to call so that Sage could tell me how I could be restored to a better spiritual state. I was to make the call immediately. It had been sent ten minutes before.

The thought of talking to Sage after those emails made me nauseated. I wrote back that I preferred to work on this by email. Summoning all my courage, I explained what I had meant by the sentence; that I had not had any of the multiple intentions ascribed to me; and that I was sorry for any distress I had unintentionally caused. I pointed out that I had no way of knowing Sage’s feelings surrounding the phrase I had used. I asked Sage not to project intentions that they had perceived from others in the past onto my behavior in the present. I asked that Sage check in with me before making assumptions or projections about my intentions, motivations, and meanings.

Sage called a few minutes later and poured words of tender concern for my spiritual welfare into the answering machine. Allowing my own boundary to be broken, I picked up the phone. Sage refused to listen to anything I tried to say, told me the words I was to say in order to be restored to relationship, and waited for me to repeat them back. I was then ordered to apologize on the group list, and given the words to use. There was no discussion of my concerns and requests. Later, Sage told me I was still part of the group, but no longer had any other status, although I was still in line for my credential. Since the other members were far too inexperienced to be trusted with any power, the group begun as a consensus-based collaborative now had a sole leader, in whom all power was vested: Sage.