Spiritual abuse and codependence, part 10: Deep background

My involvement with Sage was not about Sage. It was about my need to recreate a childhood situation with my same-sex parent, who resembled Sage in physical appearance, personality, and behavior. Sage’s pattern of extreme flattery in return for compliance, followed by dramatic accusations in reaction to any independent thought, continued a cycle I knew far too well. If I had not been driven by a powerful need to replace my parent, I if I had actually been functioning as an adult who hoped to reach a goal, I would have heeded my initial sense that something was wrong, which was based on Sage’s blog. I would have responded guardedly, if at all, to the first love bomb (if I had posted anything that would indicate vulnerability in the first place). If I had decided to answer Sage, I would have done so thoughtfully and carefully, without giving much away until I had reason to trust. If I had become involved with Sage, I would most certainly have walked away after the first tantrum.

Because my same-sex parent used affection to manipulate me and was controlling, intrusive, and prone to tantrums, I fell for Sage’s manipulation and control and accepted the tantrums as my fault. It wasn’t the first time I had tried to replace my parent—the relationship with my high school friend had been one of many such attempts. I didn’t want to repeat the pain, but I desperately wanted something other than the unhappy ending I’d had in the relationship with my same-sex parent. Instead, I got a replay and another wound, one from which I am still recovering. The one good thing I brought out of the wreckage was the determination to stop trying to find a parent and to care for myself instead.