Spiritual abuse and codependence, part 12: the Net's role

In the post that was a prelude to this series, I wrote

Somewhere on the Internet, there is someone who will tell you exactly what you think you want to hear.

Depending on who that is and what they want in return, that could be the worst thing that will ever happen to you.

What part did the Internet play in this story?

I had no context, no background knowledge of Sage. I had never met Sage in person, never met anyone else who had actually met Sage, never seen Sage except through Sage’s own writing. Everything I knew about Sage came from Sage, and much had been omitted--including a long-standing history of serious mental illness, which I did not hear about until after the second breakup.

Sage looked perfect to me, partly because I was desperate and partly because Sage had a great illusion going. It’s easy to have an impressive website and to present a façade online. It’s possible to write thousands of words about oneself that seem comprehensive and even confessional while withholding a lot of the truth. It’s easier to fake and be vague online than it is in person. An online clientele can’t see a person being rude to a waiter or caustic over the phone to their kid. They can’t see facial expressions or hear the tone of a voice. It’s easier to maintain illusions, including the illusion of intimacy.

Had I met Sage in person sooner, my initial impression of Sage’s problems would have been stronger; had I seen Sage in action and in context sooner, I would have realized that I was dealing with a person I did not wish to trust. The immediacy of the Net and the false intimacy derived from looking at someone’s carefully managed image took the focus off the fact that I was giving my privacy away to a total stranger.

Sage is still out there with a great-looking website full of omissions, elisions, some convenient truths, and a great deal of noble-sounding spiritual talk. It is not possible to hold Sage accountable because Sage is a spiritual freelancer, the head of their own official-sounding organization and the bearer of a credential obtained from another official-sounding organization after minimal contact, and is unaffiliated with any professional body that could actually call Sage to account. A lot of people in organizations that do have standards accept Sage without question because of Sage’s title, organization name, and Web presence. There are a lot of Sages out there in every faith and in quite a few professions. Part of my reason for writing this was to point that out.

That’s my experience, strength, and hope. Take what you need and leave the rest. Thanks for reading.

Resources are listed in Part 13.