Letter to a jailed clergyperson

I do not assume anyone is guilty because they are arrested, but the evidence against you is very strong already. If you are indeed innocent, fight; but if you did abuse children, here’s what you need to do. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to require honesty. It’s what you will do if you are actually penitent, not just self-pitying and trying to escape responsibility for your actions.

• No suicide attempts. The children you harmed are very young, and if they hear of your suicide, they may think they are to blame. Children think that way. They may even be blaming themselves for the abuse. You owe it to them to live and to take full responsibility for your actions.

• Start talking and keep talking. Give the detectives the name of every child you ever abused, ever groomed. Tell them exactly what you did to whom, when, and where. The sooner your victims’ names are known, the sooner someone can help them. The more their helpers know, the better they can do their jobs.

• Plead guilty to all charges and accept the maximum penalty without any bargaining or maneuvering. Don’t put children and their families through the agony of deciding whether to put traumatized children on the stand to be retraumatized and torn down by defense lawyers or to protect them from being damaged by the legal system at the risk of seeing you walk free. Prevent more harm to those you have already harmed by simply saying, “I did this. I accept justice.”

• Give police and child welfare authorities the names of any other abusers you know and of anyone who abused you. You probably know other perps. Out them now.

• If you were abused as a child, don’t blame your actions on that. There are plenty of survivors who have not abused children, and they don’t need you to give the impression that all survivors are dangerous. Far too many people already think that.

• This also applies to an insanity defense. Being mentally ill does not make people into abusers. You were sane enough to carry out abuse and hide it. Take responsibility.

• Never blame the children. Never let yourself think even for a moment that they were somehow partners. They were victims. Your victims. Be absolutely clear about that. Denial, minimization, evasion, and dishonesty are most likely what got you into abusing, and you simply can't afford to practice them anymore.

• Get help. Get all the help you can get. Get therapy. Join 12-step groups for sex addiction if they’re applicable to your situation. Be available to researchers who are trying to understand perpetrators. It’s the only way you can make any amends for what you have done. Don't ever believe that it takes away the effect of your actions on others and on yourself.

• When you go free, and you will because the sentences for your crimes fall so far short of anything like justice, register as a sex offender and devote your remaining years to doing whatever will help law enforcement and mental health professionals do their jobs better. Don’t try to help in other ways. Don’t try to hide. Be honest and penitent. And stay away from children.

• Don’t ever try to function as clergy again. You’re done.

• Don’t expect forgiveness from those you have harmed. They may get there in their time, not in yours. They owe you nothing, ever.

Does this sound harsh? What you did to children was far more harsh.

Does this sound difficult? You have made life more difficult than this for your victims.

Your actions, not your words, will show whether you are truly sorry for what you did, or just sorry you got caught.

If you do everything on this list without backing away from the consequences, you might manage to do some good. And I have a hunch you just might save your soul.

God help you.