tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64202496773098383402012-01-03T09:19:09.798-08:00Ernest Hemingway once said, "The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof shit detector. This is the writer's radar, and all great writers have it." I'm working on fixing mine. Pass me that socket wrench, willya? Thanks.E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.comBlogger231100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-87846734970736788582012-01-03T09:00:00.000-08:002012-01-03T09:00:01.933-08:00

I do not assume anyone is guilty because they are arrested, but the evidence against you is very strong already. If you are indeed innocent, fight; but if you did abuse children, here’s what you need to do. It’s going to hurt. It’s going to require honesty. It’s what you will do if you are actually penitent, not just self-pitying and trying to escape responsibility for your actions. • No suicide

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-88248261640142123822011-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:002011-05-01T00:00:07.891-07:00

In the post that was a prelude to this series, I wrote Somewhere on the Internet, there is someone who will tell you exactly what you think you want to hear. Depending on who that is and what they want in return, that could be the worst thing that will ever happen to you. What part did the Internet play in this story? I had no context, no background knowledge of Sage. I had never met Sage in

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-43845738842524828342011-04-30T00:00:00.000-07:002012-01-03T08:50:56.427-08:00

I compiled a list of sixty red flags about Sage’s behavior the day I first walked away. It has taken me several years to put together a shorter yet more comprehensive list of red flags about my own behavior. Codependence/relationship addiction is a coping mechanism I use to escape responsibility for my choices and blame others for my behavior, while simultaneously taking complete responsibility

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-47205584616520394632011-04-29T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-29T00:00:06.730-07:00

My involvement with Sage was not about Sage. It was about my need to recreate a childhood situation with my same-sex parent, who resembled Sage in physical appearance, personality, and behavior. Sage’s pattern of extreme flattery in return for compliance, followed by dramatic accusations in reaction to any independent thought, continued a cycle I knew far too well. If I had not been driven by a

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-31759783607195954712011-04-28T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-28T00:00:06.504-07:00

A few months later, Sage and I were back together, full of mutual apologies and grand promises. It was going to be better because we had worked everything out. We went through the whole cycle, from initial contact to breakup, once again. This time around it ended after the first tantrum. Years later, Sage still has a strong online presence and connections with a range of groups and people. Sage

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-80725471242202739522011-04-27T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-27T00:00:01.830-07:00

Back home after the meeting, I got on the Net every day and watched with an increasing sense of disquiet as Sage spun multiple stories in different directions to different people, seldom lying outright, using omission with brilliant skill, often pushing the truth as far as it would go. I watched as Sage tailored the message to a different groups. I listened in astonishment on the phone as Sage

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-67685925777490023382011-04-26T00:00:00.001-07:002011-04-26T00:00:06.655-07:00

Sage wanted to meet me at a gathering sponsored by a related organization. I bought my ticket, disregarding the expense and the worried questions of my significant other. I felt it was time to meet Sage and make a decision about my future. I was starting to have considerable quiet anger about Sage’s behavior, even though my conscious thought was all about how much more flawed I was than I had

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-64935173623251686792011-04-25T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-25T00:00:05.675-07:00

Some days after the first tantrum, when I was feeling a little braver, I asked whether Sage had read my email about not assuming and projecting. Sage said, “I skimmed it—I’ve had a lot to do,” and changed the subject because we had more important things to talk about: had I read their last email? In depth? Soon thereafter, I went to the computer with my morning coffee and opened my email. Since

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-89452478537311858252011-04-24T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-24T00:00:09.635-07:00

I sat down to my email one morning and saw there were four messages from Sage with titles about a recent communication. I opened the oldest first, expecting the usual warm bath of flattery, comfort, and promises of great things to come. In seconds, I was in shock. A sentence I had written had offended Sage, who took it to mean something I had never intended it to mean and then explained that the

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-4082827837650125852011-04-23T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-23T00:00:04.244-07:00

A few weeks after inviting me to join the organization Sage had just joined, Sage announced that the spiritually stunted leadership of the (recently ideal) organization had sadly deceived and then unjustly excluded Sage. The organization was now revealed to have been evil, but the Source had used it to bring Sage to the start of a new adventure: Sage wanted to start a new organization with me as

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-37964181624637118542011-04-22T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-22T00:00:08.520-07:00

Within a couple of hours after I received Sage’s first email, I wrote a long reply full of confidences, grievances, and self-pity. Within hours, I had a longer answer full of praise, sympathy, and assurances that I was just like Sage and could share in Sage’s current and future success. I was assured that my leadership potential was so blazingly obvious—from just one email!—that very little

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-45881517730328573102011-04-21T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-21T00:00:10.327-07:00

I had read Sage’s blog once, several months before. My initial gut response had been, “unstable, self-absorbed, and has poor boundaries—stay away from this person.” I had heeded that response for a long time. Why did I answer that email? The email was what’s known in cult awareness and spiritual recovery circles as a “love bomb.” It seemed to offer the appreciation, warmth, and understanding I

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-79937600982145854492011-04-20T00:00:00.000-07:002011-04-20T06:51:21.914-07:00

A note before the story begins: This is a story in twelve parts. Every detail written here is true. “Sage” is not the name or the title of the person it describes “Source” is not the word either Sage or I use for the Higher Power; the names of the religious organizations and their terminology, exact dates, and other details have been left out. It is not my intention to identify anyone. In fact,

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-3310912992775885582011-04-19T08:01:00.000-07:002011-04-19T13:32:13.126-07:00

Post revised and re-dated.First, a little bloglove.I read Mr. SponsorPants every day he publishes (as a sensible man, he takes the weekends off). He's very good both at writing about the experience of recovery and at calling his own bluff. He's also very, very funny in the right way: his laughter is not mockery, but recognition. It's true humor, the humor of enlightenment. When I read a part of

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-89369993073791331452010-08-24T06:55:00.000-07:002010-08-24T09:50:50.866-07:00

I've been away.I've been working hard on recovery.In the light of that work, I see a lot I'd do differently about the earlier posts and a lot I want to do differently from here on out.Instead of taking them down, I'm going to acknowledge that and leave them as they are.

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-60540589985909620642010-01-15T05:21:00.000-08:002011-04-19T14:36:31.193-07:00

Recently, in the course of my work, I had occasion to read John Howard Prin's Secret Keeping. Prin has some very useful analysis and good charts. I like charts. They relate insights to other insights in a way I find easier to take in than linear prose, and they give me the momentary hope that life can get tidier. Overall, I was beginning to think it was an OK book.I did, however, run into a

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-47838861531922799952009-10-02T09:20:00.000-07:002009-10-02T11:07:53.477-07:00

So it's all over the news this morning that David Letterman "had sex with female employees." He even got funny about it on the show. "Dave had sex." No Big Deal, right? We're all adults here, blah bl--But wait! What is that loud BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP sound? Why, I do believe my shit detector is going off. The phrase that's highlighting itself in my mind is "sex with employees." That's an ethical

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-23753099507448557712009-06-28T21:24:00.000-07:002009-06-29T07:32:46.276-07:00

People all over the net are arguing about whether or not Mark Sanford should resign from public office because he disappeared for five days and was discovered to be unfaithful to his wife.There's a great deal of foofaraw going on about whether it's worse to go to prostitutes or to "fall in love," which doesn't interest me. I don't need to know whether the man is addicted to sex, love, power,

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-35335519711785543082009-04-26T21:19:00.000-07:002009-04-26T21:22:33.753-07:00

Somewhere on the Internet, there is someone who will tell you exactly what you think you want to hear.Depending on who that is and what they want in return, that could be the worst thing that will ever happen to you.

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-78163124950202477562009-04-26T16:34:00.000-07:002009-04-26T18:11:23.143-07:00

I was born with a skeptical and independent mind and strong intuitive tendencies. Almost immediately, the family into which I was born started trying to disable my mind and heart and to teach me the set of confusions and distortions that have come to be recognized in 12-step circles as codependence.The most difficult thing about getting over a bad upbringing is figuring out what was bad about it.

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-15258967672263307902009-04-12T13:07:00.000-07:002009-10-05T06:17:12.637-07:00

Disclose what you like about yourself, but if you want to write about or quote anyone else on your blog, get their consent each time you blog about them. Do not blog anything that is not already publicly known about people who are not able to give meaningful consent due to a power differential, including patients, clients, students, parishioners, and especially children.

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-86924704726717286012009-04-08T17:39:00.000-07:002009-06-29T06:35:13.272-07:00

A lot of blogs are like those people who talk really loudly, in public places, on a cell phones about things those around them do not want to hear--details about their latest illness, binge, sexual encounter, relationship spat, belief system, or any combination of the above. I can click on by when I come across these little moments of exhibitionism on blogs, but when it turns into exhibitionism

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6420249677309838340.post-87181183456616074722009-04-05T13:14:00.000-07:002009-04-12T13:22:13.097-07:00

I get a lot of email forwarded from people whose hearts are in the right places but who will believe anything that's forwarded to them.When you get an e-mail about a computer virus, a person in need, a school project that supposedly requires an email, a petition, or even a prayer request for someone you don't know, check the source. If it doesn't come from the person who originated the request or

E(a)rnesthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18050543855330124003noreply@blogger.com0